Archive for February, 2009

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Friday the 13th

February 15, 2009

Cue the ominous music...

Friday the 13th came and went here without incident, but the kids at Camp Crystal Lake weren’t so lucky this year.  Jason Voorhees is back with a vengeance.  That’s right… they finally made a good Friday the 13th movie and it’s been a long time coming.

Unless you’re a 19-year-old bank teller, you know the story, so I won’t recap it here.  It’s the same plot, just with some new twists.  Friday the 13th’s twisted morality tale is still in effect, which means all the potheads and fornicators are doomed from the start.  One thing that kind of stuck out (at least for me),  is that Jason seemed to be more than just a psycho running around in a hockey mask… they actually made him very smart and methodical, as well as an unstoppable killing machine running around in a hockey mask.  There’s actually one scene that shows trophies he won as a kid in archery and hockey, which have haunting permutations for the camp visitors.

Friday the 13th is  a suspenseful, scary, bloody mess and well worth the price of admission, especially if you enjoy having the crap scared out of you.  In fact, you might want to bring extra pants.

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Berlin Barman Tried Over Fatal Tequila

February 12, 2009

The Other White Drink!

Apparently, tequila can kill you if you drink too much.  Officials in Germany are prosecuting a German barman with serving 45 fatal tequila shots to a 16-year-old boy, who fell into a coma and eventually died. That’s right.  45 shots.  To a 16 year-old.   Even though I did start my drinking career at a relatively similar age, I’m fairly certain my body was not well equipped to handle such vast quantities of magical elixir.

While it’s sad to learn a misguided kid lost his life in such a way, one really must ask themselves ‘just how much alcohol is in 45 shots of tequila?’   We employed the scientific professionals at Ashton, Guthmiller and Juan to come up with some answers.  According to their research:

No more yanky my wanky!

45 shots is enough to kill one sixteen year old.

Seeing one is bad enough

45 shots is enough to kill six Tila Tequilas (we could only be so lucky).

Dave hates Nickelback, that's why they're here.

45 shots is enough to kill an entire band called Nickelback.

That is, if the heroin doesn't get them first.

45 shots is enough to give any one member of Motley Crue (of your choice) a mild headache and a trip to the restroom.

That's right, DIRTY HARRY!

45 shots is enough to kill ZERO Dirty Harrys, because nothing can kill Dirty Harry (not even Chuck Norris).

Don’t drink and drive.

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Australian Bush Fires Continue to Rage

February 11, 2009

Australian Brush Fires Continue to Rage

Photo by Mark Pardew / AP

Brush Bush fires in Australia continue to rage, with the death toll currently at 181 and sure to rise later in the week.  The loss of life, property, land and wildlife has been staggering, with over 1000 people homeless and close to one million acres of land scorched.  Australian authorities have initiated a hunt for the arson suspects that they believe are responsible for the tragedy and the Australian Army has been deployed to lend assistance to exhausted police and fire fighters.  Humanitarian relief efforts are also underway.

Anyone that is willing to assist is encouraged to donate to the Red Cross.

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This is my new favorite song

February 6, 2009
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Dark Reign: Hawkeye

February 5, 2009

Haha!  It's really Dork Reign Hawkeye AKA Bullseye!

Marvel finally got around to doing a new series about my favorite character, Hawkeye, and it’s not even about Hawkeye.  It’s about *SPOILER ALERT* Bullseye, who is currently impersonating the real deal in Dork Avengers.

Pros: It’s written by Andy Diggle, who is pretty freaking awesome, and has art by Tom Raney, who is also pretty awesome.  Bullseye, when written well, is an compelling character.

Cons: I’m not all that into this Dark Reign stuff or into people that impersonate Hawkeye.  The book sells for $3.99 per ish, which is a bit steep in these tough economic times.

The jury is out.  I think this is all leading up to a big Clint Barton/Bullseye fight over the mantle at the end, which is something I imagined in my head for years.  Guess who wins.

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Dead Space: Let’s Get Surgical!

February 3, 2009

Dead Space would be a great name for this blog!

EA took a departure from the sanitized world of big, safe, corporate multi-sequel sports, action and racing games and did a little something different: they took a stab at survival horror with their new franchise Dead Space.  In fact, it’s a big bloody stab that more than earns its M rating.  Emphasis on the blood.  And the stabbing.

In Dead Space, you are inserted into the role of Isaac, a random space engineer whose crew has been tasked to figure out why a big planet cracking corporate ship (the Ishimura… or as I like to call it, “the EA”) has gone incommunicado.  Isaac is pretty cool for a guy who took breathing lessons from Darth Vader and walks around in a big Iron Man-type suit… well, he has cool abilities, which he uses to great effect running around The EA dismembering evil alien hive-mind hordes.  Did I mention that Isaac’s girlfriend is stranded somewhere on the ship?  Well she is, even though it doesn’t impart any gravitas or emotional ties to any of the characters.  It’s “extra motivation for the sake of motivation” plot device because for all we know, Isaac doesn’t care because doesn’t display any emotion.

Once onboard the Ishimura, Isaac is sent out to complete a bunch of tasks that largely consist of pushing buttons, figuring out an occasional puzzle and chopping off the limbs of very many mutated alien/human hybrid thingies that are all very, very ill-tempered.  In typical form, the bad guys get bigger, meaner and tougher as the game goes on.

Isaac is really well equipped to handle the trouble that comes his way.  He’s outfitted with some tough armor that gives him telekinesis, provides a limited air supply in a vacuum (because Air Supply should always be offered in limited quantities) as well as provides an ability called Stasis which basically freezes stuff for a short amount of time.  Stasis is probably the most important ability, because you need it to solve puzzles and lop off heads and arms and legs.  Isaac also gets a nice plasma cutter thing which cuts through flesh pretty quickly, which is handy in a game whose primary combat game mechanic is dismemberment.  There are other weapons, but I only played through using the Plasma Cutter thingamajob.

Dead Space is a good game, however, it falls short of being great.  The game mechanics are pretty sound and polished, if a little bit repetitive.  The game looks beautiful, sounds beautiful, controls really well and the in-game UI screens are really fantastic.  The level design and puzzles offer a good variety of challenge and break up some of the repetition really well.

Dead Space tries really hard to be scary and comes up short because shock value horror wears off pretty quickly.  The game doesn’t do much to build suspense because it doesn’t play with your mind and generate an emotional response to the action that’s taking place in front of you.  Having a main character that looks and acts like a robot doesn’t help.  You don’t get to build any kind of emotional attachment to Isaac, so you don’t really get scared.

The gore factor in Dead Space is turned up to 11, which gets tiresome and repetitive really quickly.  I’m sure teenagers and Fangoria fans love it.  I would have loved to be able to skip through some of the extended Isaac death scenes I experienced.

Dead Space’s story is also extremely derivative.  If you’ve seen Aliens or The Thing and combine it with some huge creatures from Gears of War, you kind of get the idea.  Again, the lack of characterization doesn’t help here.  You can see all the plot twists coming because they’ve been done before.

Dead Space is a good, fun game.  An obvious amount of polish went into the gameplay, design and aesthetics.  If they get the horror aspect down, EA could be onto something.

Four out of five stars

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Resident Evil 5: Boob Locator

February 2, 2009

The Resident Evil 5 demo was pretty awful, in terms of a gameplay experience. Its control set and gameplay mechanics really make the game unbearably painful and difficult to play, proving once again that Japanese game designers are sadomasochists. Also, having your main character take up 3/4 of the screen sure doesn’t help you navigate or increase your situational awareness. To its credit, RE 5 sure is pretty. Pretty, but ultimately an epic fail.

Sadly, I did not know about the Boob Locator feature until after I deleted the demo from my hard drive. It is clearly the game’s best feature.

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Taken

February 2, 2009

The last face you will see

Liam Neeson gets to stretch his badass muscles in Taken, a movie in which some very, very bad people get exactly what they deserve, usually in the most brutally efficient way way possible.

Neeson stars as Bryan Mills, a caring dad with a past filled with dark deeds.  When his daughter is kidnapped by sex slavers, Bryan engages in hot pursuit all over Paris, compiling a pretty heavy body count along the way.   Neeson’s Bryan is intense, methodical and driven and makes Jack Bauer look like a choirboy. Yeah, I went there.

The film’s star is also it’s brightest shining light.  A little more gravitas and some better performances (seriously, would it have been conceivable to cast an 18 year old actres as an 18 year old character?) would have probably garnered a better score, but Taken is a ferociously entertaining ride.

Three out of five stars