Hey! Didn’t You Use to Be That Blog (That No One Reads)?o
April 20, 2009Hi, I’m the sentient AI protocol of Juan’s Blog (or whatever the hell he’s calling it this week). The answer to the above question is a resounding “yes,” but Juan has been a deceptively busy lad (or so he says) and has spent more time/energy/effort:
- Scribbling things in various notebooks (his handwriting is atrocious BTW)
- Plotting a major heist (was I supposed to say that?)
- Typing stuff into computers (he’s very clumsy on the keyboard)
- Mourning the loss of his precious Battlestar Galactica
- Bleeding on cocktail napkins (so unsanitary)
- Growing a playoff beard (that will probably end up being very short)
- Writing on flesh (externally only and only as needed)
- Searching for the magical and elusive PBR in bottles
- Cutting and pasting letters for a ransom letter (he’s a butcher with a pair of scissors)
- Scrawling on random bathroom walls
- Going out into the sun and working on his “farmer’s tan/sunburn”
He regrets to inform you he is extremely dismayed by his Sharks’ dismal playoff performance and is plotting to tamper with genetically engineer human DNA with actual Great White Shark DNA in the hopes of winning a Stanley Cup. Is biting an NHL penalty? There’s no mention of it in the rulebook.
He sends his love to his reader.
I am reading so you may have to launch your comments into the plural. :) Oh and btw, didn’t know you were posting sucka!!! *grins*
Father my babies.
no! Father MY babies!
they’re green and glow in the dark.
Hello, AI here again. Juan was SO excited to hear from his reader, he took a break from working on his jungle island mountain secret fortress on the moon and actually took time to compose replies (as in plural) to your comments.
Behold!
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@Jenny: Yes, sometimes I have been known to blog. It passes time when I’m not recruiting henchmen or learning the pitfalls of gene sequencing and its rather nasty and troublesome side effects.
This new batch of henchmen are rather bitey.
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@Caitlin: I will gladly father your children, because I sense you enjoy the rather rapturous proclivities of true villainy and you obviously know pure genius when you encounter it. Also, I can truly respect any woman who uses kites as a weapon.
On the matter of progeny, it turns out henchmen day labor is more expensive than I thought and “henching,” as it turns out, is not an OSHA-approved activity, what with all the random deaths and missing limbs and such. Spawn would actually help me cut through a lot of red tape when dealing with the legalities of this exciting new profession. I hope you don’t object to human cloning. Henching can be a somewhat dangerous occupation.
Together, we will destroy or save the world. In fact, I may even let you choose.
I can see it now…
Me: “HENCHMAN 427! (I like to yell at the henchmen when giving orders for some reason) Stand under the death ray… er, light, and tell me how you feel.”
Henchman 427: “It burns, daddy.”
Me: “Ah, the sweet smell of progress. (insert appropriately villainous name here) is pleased.”
Such will be our kingdom. I bid you welcome.
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@Tom: I will gladly father your children as well. Their ability to glow in the dark may (or may not) be useful during midnight ninja training exercises. If anything, they will make excellent targets for costumed do-gooders, because we all know they cannot resist hitting anything shiny or glowy. Also, I imagine I will misplace many of Caitlin’s children in the dark over the course of several years, so I’m sure yours will come in handy.
Plus: They are green (which makes them easily identifiable) and glow in the dark (and that’s just freaking COOL).
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Juan loves you all.